I’ve been battling a /r/DeadBedroom situation for some years now– not as bad as some, but my wife and I had fallen under the once a month mark for some time. Feeling frustrated and hopeless, I dug around the internet for advice, and found /r/Sex.
…and all I heard from both subreddits was, “have you talked to her?” Over and over. I kept trying to explain that we just weren’t like that– sex wasn’t something we talked about directly. The response: “talk anyway”. I threw up my hands; they just didn’t get it.
Before and during my visits here, I tried all sorts of things– different approaches to sex, self-improvement, helping around the house– to limited results. Some of my efforts actually seemed to make matters worse. The only thing that really seemed to help was a massively uncomfortable talk a few months back, after which I saw gradual improvement to a tolerable frequency.
Still, I wasn’t happy. I knew I’d been vague about my desires, but felt I’d opened up as much as a could without offending or hurting my wife. Then, during an extensive exchange with EncasedMeats, something clicked: I suddenly realized that there was no good reason for me to feel sheepish about my sex drive. Society treats sex as a shameful thing, to be spoken of only in hushed tones or not at all, only because society wants to stay in the good graces of a god that I don’t even think exists. What’s more, I knew for a fact that my wife shares these exact sensibilities, but she’d been conditioned to these preposterously repressive cultural “norms” even moreso than myself.
I knew I had to talk with her again, to share my new perspective, let her know that we need to feel comfortable talking about sex, and tell her what I wanted. I also knew that I’m very bad at keeping a coherent train of thought when I’m nervous, so I composed a letter. I solicited some feedback from EncasedMeats and Maxxters, who gave me some really good advice, particularly about what I hadn’t said but ought to have. I tinkered with the wording for a few days, and finally worked up the nerve to hand her the letter last night.
I had spun all sorts of scenarios in my head, and if I didn’t expect an outright disaster, I had my fears. As it turns out, everything went better than expected. She’s open to more sex, and some more variety. She absolutely agrees with my assessment of why we’re so uptight talking about it, and wants to improve.
This is a work in progress, of course. We both have to follow through, and that won’t always feel easy or natural. And I wasn’t 100% open in the letter; I have some interests I’m still keeping to myself. Maybe mojoupgrade will help (I’ve asked her to take the test with me), but I honestly think we’re moving in a direction where I may be able to open up more over time, an unthinkable notion just a few days ago. In any event, I feel better and more optimistic about my chances for a truly satisfying sex life than… well, ever, actually.
So, yeah, when they keep saying “communicate”, they’re not kidding– it took me from hopeless to wildly optimistic in the span of just a few months. My only additional advice is to spend some time gathering your thoughts before initiating a conversation, and take the time to question your own motives and faults.
Thanks, guys. Couldn’t have done it without you.
submitted by lifeaftersex [link] [68 comments]
