we’ve been married for over a year, me 22, he 24. we dated for 3 years before getting married. our sex life was pretty good, several times a day in the first few months, and it slowly dwindled. i thought our sex life couldnt be any better! we had the usual bumps and sex would go down to a 1-2 times a week, then back to almost daily/ 7-9x weekly id say.
wedding planning was difficult and we had a lot of trouble, a LOT of stress on our relationship, and i ended up very disappointed. he didnt follow thru with a lot of promises. i didnt feel special or happy or.. excited on our wedding day (mainly because he complained that it shouldnt be “all about her,” so i made a point to say, “ok, it IS about both of us! here you go.” i got a cheap, unflattering dress, no friends or bridesmaids, no guests, sigh.. disappointing). i dont know what happened. he reflects on it saying i pressured him into getting married, that he didnt want to yet. i really dont remember this. i thought we agreed lol. he says he didnt do much because he didnt want to get married quite yet. i didnt want the wedding (i wanted to hold out for a nice wedding, but he wanted to rush it) we agreed to, either, so we both seem a little lost with this.
anyway, our relationship suddenly crashed i almost feel like, on the wedding day. :/ he got upset with me on the wedding night, after i spent a whole day scrambling with no help from him, and although we worked through a lot of the problems and had an ok honeymoon, things just piled on. -Note, we planned to have the “big” wedding/ celebration at some point later on, so we kind of short-changed ourselves :(. there was a lot of religious pressure to be married. we are no longer religious.- As SOON as we got home after the honeymoon, he was unusually pushy about sex. i went along with it at first, but after a few weeks i began to feel less and less ok with it, so i mentioned it, and the real problem began. communication came to a halt.
over the next 6 months i went thru a personal hell, with a new husband, job, house, with him refusing to discuss anything related to sex/ how he was acting and treating me regarding it. flat out ignored me, clammed up, i didnt exist whenever i mentioned his behavior made me uncomfortable. i tried discussing this from every angle. sex was infrequent, and always to get him off my back. i lost all interest and a lot of respect, but felt like it was a phrase, a rough patch, everyone says the first year is the worst. we’d been together for 3 years, right? things got worse, and 6 months after getting married i moved out, after a lot of crying and no fighting, when he suddenly told me to leave. he took it back just the next day, but it was horrible, and i couldnt just come back. i was humiliated. he made me feel shitty for my wedding day, made me feel like an object as a wife, and was dismissed suddenly after convincing himself it was purely me that was the problem, that he needn’t change.
here i am, 8 months later, still recovering. we were separated for 2 months, worked together and saw a counselor, then i moved back in, giving it a very hesitant 2nd chance. things have gotten better, we’ve grown closer, he has progressed A TON with communication, etc, and i am somewhat happier with him (honestly. i tell myself it takes more time.) my sex drive is no where where it was pre-marriage, and we are both very discouraged. he is just as horny as ever, and i am also pretty horny, but when it comes to doing the deed, with him… i just cant put the effort into it. i just still cant put myself out on that limb with him. i know im still hurt with what has happened between us recently. i feel like i need that grand gesture, those grand gestures i never got, the way he never made me feel, like i was exceptional or special, really… special to him. hes agrees to the “big” ceremony makeup sometime, but i dont think it will actually make up for anything. :/
is sex the real problem here?
tl;dr – im still recovering from issues that exploded months ago. i emotionally cant let myself connect with him. im constantly self-conscious and very sensitive, for the first time in our relationship. i never used to shy away from intimacy like this. will my trust come back with time? Thoughts?
submitted by saadfaace [link] [3 comments]